Getting ready to celebrate my baby´s 18th birthday, I have been doing a lot of thinking about all the good, the bad and the wonderful times we´ve had raising our three kids over the years. Of course, it hasn´t always been easy and they weren´t always angels but – all in all – we´ve been really blessed.
All three of the kids have grown into responsible, honest, caring adults. And looking back, I realize just how important it is – for us as parents – to help our children develop a good, strong moral character.
After all, it´s not something that “just happens”. Raising responsible, loving kids takes time and focus. And, when the going gets rough, sometimes having a few extra ideas up your sleeve can really make life a whole lot easier – for kids and parents alike.
So I started jotting down some of the parenting tips my husband and I found most valuable when it came to helping our children develop strong characters to serve them well in the years to come. Perhaps you´ll find them helpful, too.
Tip #1: Use Praise… and Be Specific!
Praising your children when they demonstrate positive character traits is a great way of reinforcing those characteristics you hope to develop.
For example, if helping your child learn how to be a good friend and value strong friendships is important to you, making a practice of offering him specific praise is an excellent place to start.
Instead of just saying something like: That was nice of you when he lets his friend have the first go at a new toy, try being more exact with your praise by saying something like: That was really nice that you let Mark have first go at playing with your new race track. You´re such a good friend.
It´s only human to want to do more of the kind of things we get positive feedback on. So when your child is understanding or does something that´s kind or polite, make a point of letting him know what you think. Try telling him: That was really nice of you not to get upset when your sister ate the last piece of cake without sharing.
Honesty is another positive trait that can be encouraged using the right language. When your child is honest about something he has or hasn´t done, acknowledge his honesty without reprimand by saying something along the lines of: I like the way you were honest about not finishing your homework. Let´s sit down and see what still needs to be done so you can finish it now.
Tip #2: Choose A Good Cause & Support It Together
Whether you choose to have your child join you at a homeless shelter handing out sandwiches, take part in a walk-a-thon for the handicapped or collect school supplies for children of low-income families in your area (as we did with our kids), supporting a good cause together is a great way to reinforce the importance of reaching out to others while helping your child learn to appreciate the love, support and, yes, even the things, he has in his life.
Tip #3: Make Lying Carry Its Own Consequence
I know from talking to a lot of different parents, this is something many of us struggle with at some point or another. How do you encourage your kids to always tell the truth?
The solution I´ve found to be most useful in getting kids to stop lying is to set up a separate consequence (I hate the word punishment!) for the actual act of lying.
So, what does that mean, exactly?
Essentially, this means that when your child tells a lie, he will be confronted with two consequences for his actions instead of one: one consequence for telling the lie itself and one consequence for the resulting unacceptable behavior.
For example, if your child told you he did his homework so he could go out and play, then you discovered he really hadn´t, he´d have to accept two consequences for his actions; one consequence for lying to you and the other for not finishing his homework.
This simple shift in a common parenting technique is very effective at discouraging lies while encouraging your kids to be truthful.
Explain to your child that had he told the truth about not completing his homework he would have only been grounded for 2 days. Lying about it doubled the consequences so that now he will be grounded for an additional 2 days.
If you are strict with yourself about following this method, you will be amazed at how quickly your child begins to realize that lying really doesn´t “pay”.
Tip #4: Teach, Discuss & Demonstrate Valuable Traits
I´ve always been a firm believer in the value of discussing appropriate behavior with my kids. But talking about it isn´t enough. If you talk the talk, you´ve got to walk the walk, as the saying goes.
So, while it´s useful to teach your child about patience by explaining why we have to wait our turn at the grocery store or to go on a ride at an amusement park, it´s equally important for you not lose your cool when you´re in a hurry and find yourself forced to wait as well.
Tip #5: Be The Best Role Model
Of course, the best way to help your child develop positive character traits is to mirror those traits in your own behavior as well. You are, after all, your child´s number one role model.
Vow to be the best example of those traits you value most and your child will notice – if not consciously at first, be assured that your actions will most definitely have a positive effect on a deeper, subconscious level!
Tip #6: Help Your Child Learn Responsibility
Chores are a must when it comes to helping your child learn the valuable lesson of responsibility.
Providing your child with tasks he needs to complete on a regular basis is a great way of teaching self-reliance and encouraging pride in a job well done.
When he´s finished his task, be sure and reinforce his efforts with a look, a hug or a pat on the back. And don´t forget to tell him how much you appreciate the job he´s done and how much his doing it has helped you out.
As you practice each of these parenting tips, know you are doing more than just raising a well-behaved child. You are raising a responsible, caring individual with a strong sense of what´s right and wrong.
Helping your child develop a strong moral character isn´t always easy but it is tremendously rewarding. After all, these are values and skills your child will benefit from his whole life long!
